Can't sleep

it's been such a long time since i've written partly because my life is crazy fast but more because i've been at a stuck point for quite some time.  since i haven't dedicated much time to what i'll call "my path to emotional wholeness," it seems either i am sitting in stagnant water with little motivation to get out or life really is so busy i haven't had much time to think about what has happened and my healing is moving on without me noticing.  i believe it's the latter of the two since i've seen so many positive changes in myself these last couple months.

anyway, the point is that here i sit 1:00am.  after a day like today i should be dead asleep by now and i just can't do it.  in all my life i don't think i've ever struggled with going to sleep.  it's been sort of a hobby of mine up until these last three weeks.  i wonder.... am i experiencing freedom from my vice of "sleepy headedness" caused by all the major changes in my life?  on the flip side, i wonder if i am unsettled about something and i don't have the peace to sleep right now.  whatever the reason..... i don't think i'm very happy about it.  i want to be asleep.

i think that i'm sad.  even though my relationship with both my mom and my dad was very abusive, i still miss them.  i feel like i'm finally starting to understand myself and who i was meant to become.  the irony is that this new freedom has taken place because of the distance. the very relationship with my parents held me back and now that i'm getting healthy, i want to share that.  seems that i have a choice ahead of me, although i don't consider it much of a choice.  i can't go back to the way things were, i refuse to go back to a prison of their pretend person.  honestly, i have no clue how to move forward.   the relationship i had with them wouldn't allow me to flourish and "become" and with new boundaries of distance in place, i've done just that.

well anyway..... maybe i'll be able to sleep now.

i'm still on a journey.  one day at a time.

the balance

i've had a couple conversations with a family member a few weeks ago and as a result i have been on a roller coaster of emotions ranging from deep sadness and grieving, to anger and confusion, to joy and happiness.  this is such a hard place for me to be and i don't like it.  i've learned through some reading that my personality is an "all or nothing" type, therefore making it hard for me to function well with these conflicting feelings.  this is the case in not only emotions but also relationships, work ethic, even day to day responsibilities.  i don't understand how to live with these conflicting emotions in regard to a daily life balance so i end up feeling slightly crazy and a little depressed.   


as a result of this roller coaster affect, i stopped actively pursuing this journey of healing.  I stopped reading my books about co-dependancy issues, i stopped journaling, i stopped talking to people.  the result was almost immediate.  i regressed.  i went back to some of my former thinking, struggled with believing past abusive lies and fell back into some of my addictive behaviors.  no one would know because i haven't really talked about it.  one of my main childhood defense mechanisms was to not talk about myself because i don't want to "put anyone out" or make anyone feel bad.  what i'm dealing with is very heavy and people around me have problems of their own so i don't want to be a burden to anyone.   as i said earlier, i have slightly regressed so i've fallen back into this lie.  BUT the truth is, i have many people around me that love me and want to help me in this process.  my hope is that if anyone who stumbles upon this entry feels similar, they would understand that there are people around them that love them and want to help them.  and just to be honest, i will be talking to my support people more often because it's what i need right now and they are eager to give it!  


so here i am.... looking for balance.  i will continue to press on just as i would encourage anyone who comes against any kind of painful thing, wether physical, mental or emotional.  our bodies and minds are capable of withstanding so much more than what we think and we must press on.  


i press on because i know that after the process is complete, there will be wholeness waiting on the other side.  my opinion is that with wholeness comes security, confidence, peace, joy, happiness, and a fullness of life that can never be taken away from me and i want to live in that place.

orphans

i am keeping up with a story of a two year old orphan girl that lives in Romania.  Cassandra was born with a cleft pallet and her mom left her at an abandoned child hospital never to return.  one of my dear friends goes to this place weekly to care for her and other orphans.  with limited funds in Romania, it is hard to receive medical procedures but my friend was persistent in seeking help and now Cassandra has received one of two surgeries to correct the cleft pallet.  recently i learned that Cassandra's biological mother just gave birth to a baby boy and while she was at the hospital the doctor that preformed Cassandra's first surgery informed the mother that the second one would be done very soon in hopes that her daughter would "go home" after the last surgery.  a week later the mother came back.  hoping that it was to take this sweet little girl home, tragically her return was to leave the new baby boy in addition to the older sister.  now they stay in their crib day after day longing for someone to take them home.  


the longer i follow this story the more i wrestle with the title of my blog.  these children were abandoned and left alone.  many orphans grow up and move out of the "home" they grew up in, never to be adopted.  my hope is that people like my friend come along and tell them the truth about who they are, that they are so very valuable.   i can not begin to understand this type of abandonment.  i'd imagine you would ask questions like, "why did my parents not want me?" and "am i worth anything to anyone?"  the obvious answer is yes you are worth so much but this is not an obvious answer to some.  i wrestle with these questions almost everyday and i am betting that i'm not alone in that.  my parents did provide a house, food, clothing and lots of material things but what i needed was never provided for me.  acceptance, unconditional love and emotional safety and stability.  


i remember toward the end of my relationship with my parents i started to be more like the person i've always wanted to be, speaking my opinion and embracing my creativity.  my mother told me that she didn't like who i was becoming, that she wanted her old daughter back.  but now i am learning that i have something to offer the big "outside world".  i am learning that there is beauty in me but this is very hard for me. i will never know what it feels like to sit, play, sleep and eat in a crib day after day praying for someone to come get me and take me home.  i do however know what it feels like to pray everyday for an opportunity to leave my unsafe home or somehow escape my reality.


my day to day reality :


-a slap in the face, insults and yelling
-don't upset mom, if she is upset find a way to fix it
-don't say what you think because it isn't important or valid
-no one thinks i'm really all that pretty
-if someone looks at me it's because i'm "showing off "
-my mom's needs are more important that anyone else's




i've been told that i will never be as good of a mom that my mom was to me, and told that the woman i'm becoming is not good and that my old family wishes i would just act the way i used to.  it's also been said that my husband is a bad influence on me, he's changed me and it's not good.  i used to believe all of these words but no more. today is different.


today i will remind myself of the truth, that i am beautiful inside and out.  i am valuable and worth it.  i have good ideas and i am emotionally strong, healthy and smart.  the truth is that one day i will do something with my story and i hope that others will benefit.


today i choose to be me !

consequences

when you make a choice there are always consequences.  some are good and some are bad.  if you are trapped in a codependent / dependent relationship, leaving doesn't even seem like a choice because it's not an option.  let me scream this.... IT IS AN OPTION and it is a choice you can make and stick to with the right support and a ton of work !  


i chose to leave ( or to place new boundaries ) something i never dreamed of doing.  i wanted out.  i was not willing to be controlled anymore or told that i am not my own person.  i was not able to live with my identity in someone else's hands.  i wanted it back.   and now.... i'm taking measures to achieve that goal.  this is the most painful thing i've ever done.  


there are so many definitions for the word family.  you have family of origin, family from various religious organizations (affiliated kin), friends that are like family, in-law family.  all of us need family.  it's a place where you experience unconditional love, a place where you grow and are encouraged to become more.  we need this to learn how to function in the world around us.  it's a means of support among many other things, therefore i was faced with a very painful choice; to stop the abuse of a co-dependent parent.  for me at least, i had to completely separate myself from my family of origin.  i attempted to have a relationship with them for 9 years and in a counseling session it became evident that i no longer wanted to try.  i wasn't getting anywhere positive it was only getting worse.  the more i strove to be myself the more i lost sight of what little i knew of myself.  the harder i tried the more miserable i was.   i was exhausted. 


as some of you are on this journey with me, i will state it plainly.  three months back i made a choice.  i sent a letter to my parents that said i no longer wanted communication.  it was one of the hardest but best things i have done for myself.  i do not know what the future looks like, i do not know when i will talk to them again.  what i do know is that today, this is what i need.  
separation.  


i have experienced freedom for what feels like the first time in my life.  i feel like i am beginning to become alive, it's like some sort of awakening.  


so today i will say, no matter what the consequences;
you will not treat me that way.  i am a person
you will not speak to me that way.  i am a person  

It's not that dysfunctional.

coming to grips with the term dysfunctional is easy when you are looking at other people.  the word takes on a entirely new meaning when it's about you or your own family of origin.    


it has taken me 5 years to come to a healthy understanding that i come from a highly dysfunctional family.  i remember when i left for college and it felt so freeing but also as if i'd done something bad, i shouldn't have left.  when i started dating my husband only 6 months later i began to see that there were some very "odd" things about his family.  the more time i spent with his parents the more i felt secure, loved and safe even though we were not yet married; and it took me only three months to see that something was very wrong with some of my thoughts about a normal family dynamic.  the first memory that stands out most was when my not yet husband came to me and voiced his mothers concern about me hitting him. i grew up with a big brother that would wrestle and play mean, he on the other hand was an only child.  my feelings where hurt because i would never want to seriously hurt him just play.  then he proceeded to tell me why she was concerned.  our parents got together to meet for the first time and what seemed like a good visit to me and my family was very eye opening to his.  i guess in one of the times that my boyfriend and i slipped away, my mother had "playfully" smacked my father on the cheek.  what seemed playful to me was out right serious to my soon to be new family.  it was loud and hard and my father looked mortified but went on with the visit quietly because for whatever reason he had been put in his proper place.  


while my boyfriend was telling me this i felt like i warped into an old fashion black and white movie, slowly, speechless, and staring in front of me with "deer in headlight" eyes, i searched with my hand for a place to sit down.  my memory flooded with flashbacks from my childhood and adolescence. me, my brother and my dad would get slapped in the face not everyday but often.  i thought it was a normal thing to be smacked when i was out of line even if i was 18 years old and had graduated high school.  as he explained that this action was disrespectful almost as if it was a dog being slapped and not a person, the tears began to burn then flow down my cheeks.  the interesting thing was that every time i was smacked i remember feeling so ashamed, like i wasn't even a person or worth anything but i never had the words for what i felt.  i didn't have anything to compare it to.


since then, so much more dysfunction has come to the surface but this is one of my first, as they say, "ah ha" moments.


during the process of realizing my family's dysfunction, i thought to myself often "it's not that dysfunctional."  I am almost certain if anyone who comes from a dysfunctional family, they will not admit things are dysfunctional until they are ready and sometimes it's a very long process.  forcing a person to see what they can not yet see can only be damaging.  as i said earlier it took me five long and hard years of seeing my wonderful husband and his healthy functioning family to see that mine was abusive and had done extreme amounts of damage.  i am healing now but when a memory comes to the surface it can almost be debilitating.  with hard work and the support of others i press on.  


i will not live in this dysfunction anymore.  i have a choice and a responsibility to stop it.  

I don't stay with my parents?

some would say you don't rely on your parents forever, you grow up, move out, start your own life or a family of your own.  really?  i've never heard of this, it must be a weird concept that unhealthy people live out.   

my picture of childhood; you listen and do as your told, nothing more or nothing less.  

my picture of adolescence; you remember where you came from and how much we've done for you.

my picture of young adulthood; you're going to a college that's only an hour away right?

my picture of mature adulthood; how dare you leave us for your husband, we've raised you and sacrificed for you.

i've been married for almost 9 years now.  i didn't understand the guilt and shame that has been held over my head until just last fall.  i felt i did something wrong for leaving my mom and dad (mother especially).  i tried to fix it by calling daily, making frequent visits and more dramatically dying to my desires and needs.  if you've ever been here you understand that trying to balance a relationship with dependant/co-dependant parents and your spouse is absolutely draining.  you can manage for a while until you look at your life and feel so angry and lost almost like you are no longer a person.  well that's just what happens, you are no longer a person because you are their person.   

well today i am making a choice.  I  am choosing to no longer be their person, i will be my own.