consequences

when you make a choice there are always consequences.  some are good and some are bad.  if you are trapped in a codependent / dependent relationship, leaving doesn't even seem like a choice because it's not an option.  let me scream this.... IT IS AN OPTION and it is a choice you can make and stick to with the right support and a ton of work !  


i chose to leave ( or to place new boundaries ) something i never dreamed of doing.  i wanted out.  i was not willing to be controlled anymore or told that i am not my own person.  i was not able to live with my identity in someone else's hands.  i wanted it back.   and now.... i'm taking measures to achieve that goal.  this is the most painful thing i've ever done.  


there are so many definitions for the word family.  you have family of origin, family from various religious organizations (affiliated kin), friends that are like family, in-law family.  all of us need family.  it's a place where you experience unconditional love, a place where you grow and are encouraged to become more.  we need this to learn how to function in the world around us.  it's a means of support among many other things, therefore i was faced with a very painful choice; to stop the abuse of a co-dependent parent.  for me at least, i had to completely separate myself from my family of origin.  i attempted to have a relationship with them for 9 years and in a counseling session it became evident that i no longer wanted to try.  i wasn't getting anywhere positive it was only getting worse.  the more i strove to be myself the more i lost sight of what little i knew of myself.  the harder i tried the more miserable i was.   i was exhausted. 


as some of you are on this journey with me, i will state it plainly.  three months back i made a choice.  i sent a letter to my parents that said i no longer wanted communication.  it was one of the hardest but best things i have done for myself.  i do not know what the future looks like, i do not know when i will talk to them again.  what i do know is that today, this is what i need.  
separation.  


i have experienced freedom for what feels like the first time in my life.  i feel like i am beginning to become alive, it's like some sort of awakening.  


so today i will say, no matter what the consequences;
you will not treat me that way.  i am a person
you will not speak to me that way.  i am a person