orphans

i am keeping up with a story of a two year old orphan girl that lives in Romania.  Cassandra was born with a cleft pallet and her mom left her at an abandoned child hospital never to return.  one of my dear friends goes to this place weekly to care for her and other orphans.  with limited funds in Romania, it is hard to receive medical procedures but my friend was persistent in seeking help and now Cassandra has received one of two surgeries to correct the cleft pallet.  recently i learned that Cassandra's biological mother just gave birth to a baby boy and while she was at the hospital the doctor that preformed Cassandra's first surgery informed the mother that the second one would be done very soon in hopes that her daughter would "go home" after the last surgery.  a week later the mother came back.  hoping that it was to take this sweet little girl home, tragically her return was to leave the new baby boy in addition to the older sister.  now they stay in their crib day after day longing for someone to take them home.  


the longer i follow this story the more i wrestle with the title of my blog.  these children were abandoned and left alone.  many orphans grow up and move out of the "home" they grew up in, never to be adopted.  my hope is that people like my friend come along and tell them the truth about who they are, that they are so very valuable.   i can not begin to understand this type of abandonment.  i'd imagine you would ask questions like, "why did my parents not want me?" and "am i worth anything to anyone?"  the obvious answer is yes you are worth so much but this is not an obvious answer to some.  i wrestle with these questions almost everyday and i am betting that i'm not alone in that.  my parents did provide a house, food, clothing and lots of material things but what i needed was never provided for me.  acceptance, unconditional love and emotional safety and stability.  


i remember toward the end of my relationship with my parents i started to be more like the person i've always wanted to be, speaking my opinion and embracing my creativity.  my mother told me that she didn't like who i was becoming, that she wanted her old daughter back.  but now i am learning that i have something to offer the big "outside world".  i am learning that there is beauty in me but this is very hard for me. i will never know what it feels like to sit, play, sleep and eat in a crib day after day praying for someone to come get me and take me home.  i do however know what it feels like to pray everyday for an opportunity to leave my unsafe home or somehow escape my reality.


my day to day reality :


-a slap in the face, insults and yelling
-don't upset mom, if she is upset find a way to fix it
-don't say what you think because it isn't important or valid
-no one thinks i'm really all that pretty
-if someone looks at me it's because i'm "showing off "
-my mom's needs are more important that anyone else's




i've been told that i will never be as good of a mom that my mom was to me, and told that the woman i'm becoming is not good and that my old family wishes i would just act the way i used to.  it's also been said that my husband is a bad influence on me, he's changed me and it's not good.  i used to believe all of these words but no more. today is different.


today i will remind myself of the truth, that i am beautiful inside and out.  i am valuable and worth it.  i have good ideas and i am emotionally strong, healthy and smart.  the truth is that one day i will do something with my story and i hope that others will benefit.


today i choose to be me !

consequences

when you make a choice there are always consequences.  some are good and some are bad.  if you are trapped in a codependent / dependent relationship, leaving doesn't even seem like a choice because it's not an option.  let me scream this.... IT IS AN OPTION and it is a choice you can make and stick to with the right support and a ton of work !  


i chose to leave ( or to place new boundaries ) something i never dreamed of doing.  i wanted out.  i was not willing to be controlled anymore or told that i am not my own person.  i was not able to live with my identity in someone else's hands.  i wanted it back.   and now.... i'm taking measures to achieve that goal.  this is the most painful thing i've ever done.  


there are so many definitions for the word family.  you have family of origin, family from various religious organizations (affiliated kin), friends that are like family, in-law family.  all of us need family.  it's a place where you experience unconditional love, a place where you grow and are encouraged to become more.  we need this to learn how to function in the world around us.  it's a means of support among many other things, therefore i was faced with a very painful choice; to stop the abuse of a co-dependent parent.  for me at least, i had to completely separate myself from my family of origin.  i attempted to have a relationship with them for 9 years and in a counseling session it became evident that i no longer wanted to try.  i wasn't getting anywhere positive it was only getting worse.  the more i strove to be myself the more i lost sight of what little i knew of myself.  the harder i tried the more miserable i was.   i was exhausted. 


as some of you are on this journey with me, i will state it plainly.  three months back i made a choice.  i sent a letter to my parents that said i no longer wanted communication.  it was one of the hardest but best things i have done for myself.  i do not know what the future looks like, i do not know when i will talk to them again.  what i do know is that today, this is what i need.  
separation.  


i have experienced freedom for what feels like the first time in my life.  i feel like i am beginning to become alive, it's like some sort of awakening.  


so today i will say, no matter what the consequences;
you will not treat me that way.  i am a person
you will not speak to me that way.  i am a person