searching

these vices don't control me but it sure feels like it....

when i am depressed or just struggling to see the good in my life i've noticed that there is emptiness.  this is a ridiculous statement because there are countless things in my life that are good and bring me joy.  i know what to put in this 'empty spot' and it is actually quite simple.  so why do i put some many other things in there?  i fill my time with things i shouldn't and i struggle with things that i can not really share on a public blog.

there is one struggle that takes over others and i am just done with it. so funny that it correlates with the same time that i began to outwardly separate from my parents.  the process of separation began way before it actually happened, i was just never brave enough to do what i needed to do.  so my husband and i separate from my parents and soon after, my biggest struggle becomes bigger.  i know what needs to happen, and every time i start to let it go, i find myself right back where i was.  i know where to find the strength but getting strength to become better in this doesn't just take away the struggle.  i know this is a part of being 'refined' it's just hard and i'm just exhausted.  i just need a new season in my life to begin.  a season to awaken to life and fullness and joy, things i haven't experienced in such a long time. why am i searching when sanctification is right at my fingertips?

these vices don't control me but it sure feels like it....

sad in sickness

i'm really sad today.  it's been over two years since i've seen my parents.  i've only spoken to my mother four times since then and i haven't spoken to my dad at all.  wow, it even hurts to type that. 

at this point, i am certain that my mother wants to see me again.  i am not ready.  i am not sure i will ever be ready.  i am not holding on to a grudge or have a lack of forgiveness in my heart toward her, it's just that i don't like the idea of having her back in my life.  i miss the idea of her...i miss my dad.

something i've been struggling with especially lately is the "learned helplessness" that i was conditioned to live in.  "you're such a sick child", something i heard regularly.  a person can only hear this for so long until they start to believe it.  i can remember going to the doctor often as a teenager.  i quit a sport i loved dearly all because of a thyroid disease that was "so enabling" i would not be able to continue successfully.  today... i am angry and sad about this.  i could have continued but i didn't have the understanding that i was not that sick, however, all i knew was to live in a helpless state. 

well.... not any more.  so now what do i do?  i am having some reoccurring health issues that i dealt with in high school.  the previously mentioned issues are in my face. 

while writing in my journal today, this is what i came up with.

i used to believe that if i was sick (cold, flu, virus, or any major diseases/disorders) then that made me weak and helpless; emotionally, mentally and physically weak.  so if i was in a state of constant sickness (remember this what i heard on a regular basis) then i was not a strong person.  i didn't feel strong so i didn't live strong.

but right now i feel sick.  and i feel extra tired and i want to cry.  i don't really know how to deal with this.  my natural reaction is to shut down completely and stop functioning.  stop functioning in daily tasks, call in sick to work, and just sleep.  i guess this is what they call depression? 

at any rate, i don't have any resolution for this post.  i guess i'll end with saying this...

i will still fight these lies that i have believed for so long.  i will continue fighting for a life full of personal growth and fulfillment.  i am not a weak person.  i am not physically, emotionally, mentally nor spiritually weak and i am thankful for all the strong people in my life.