how easy it is to fill my life with so much work that i almost lose sight of what i'm doing. taking time to focus on how i feel seems so distant, almost unreachable. when i slow down just the slightest bit, that's when the sadness and almost dread begins to overcome me.
it's been almost two years since i've last seen my parents and even longer since i've seen my brother. one would think that in light of how it all ended i would be able to just "walk away" and not feel the hole left behind from the separation i chose to put in motion. this choice and many other factors have led me to today, a place where i can't see how to keep moving forward. i don't think i could really portray my emotions because most of the time i just push them down. if i address them it is painful and confusing. it seems that i am in need of seeking out therapy, as some major anxiety and fear issues are creeping up. i find that if i am facing a huge life decision, i begin to feel panic. this makes sense to me. i am truly becoming my own person whom is capable of making good decisions, however the desire for approval from my parents will never go away; something i long for and understand that i will never truly experience (or at least on the level that i desire).
i miss my family of origin and it is tragic to say that a relationship with them would be toxic to my healing. a tragedy indeed but i can not forsake what i know is best.
