it's been such a long time since i've written partly because my life is crazy fast but more because i've been at a stuck point for quite some time. since i haven't dedicated much time to what i'll call "my path to emotional wholeness," it seems either i am sitting in stagnant water with little motivation to get out or life really is so busy i haven't had much time to think about what has happened and my healing is moving on without me noticing. i believe it's the latter of the two since i've seen so many positive changes in myself these last couple months.
anyway, the point is that here i sit 1:00am. after a day like today i should be dead asleep by now and i just can't do it. in all my life i don't think i've ever struggled with going to sleep. it's been sort of a hobby of mine up until these last three weeks. i wonder.... am i experiencing freedom from my vice of "sleepy headedness" caused by all the major changes in my life? on the flip side, i wonder if i am unsettled about something and i don't have the peace to sleep right now. whatever the reason..... i don't think i'm very happy about it. i want to be asleep.
i think that i'm sad. even though my relationship with both my mom and my dad was very abusive, i still miss them. i feel like i'm finally starting to understand myself and who i was meant to become. the irony is that this new freedom has taken place because of the distance. the very relationship with my parents held me back and now that i'm getting healthy, i want to share that. seems that i have a choice ahead of me, although i don't consider it much of a choice. i can't go back to the way things were, i refuse to go back to a prison of their pretend person. honestly, i have no clue how to move forward. the relationship i had with them wouldn't allow me to flourish and "become" and with new boundaries of distance in place, i've done just that.
well anyway..... maybe i'll be able to sleep now.
i'm still on a journey. one day at a time.
