i've had a couple conversations with a family member a few weeks ago and as a result i have been on a roller coaster of emotions ranging from deep sadness and grieving, to anger and confusion, to joy and happiness. this is such a hard place for me to be and i don't like it. i've learned through some reading that my personality is an "all or nothing" type, therefore making it hard for me to function well with these conflicting feelings. this is the case in not only emotions but also relationships, work ethic, even day to day responsibilities. i don't understand how to live with these conflicting emotions in regard to a daily life balance so i end up feeling slightly crazy and a little depressed.
as a result of this roller coaster affect, i stopped actively pursuing this journey of healing. I stopped reading my books about co-dependancy issues, i stopped journaling, i stopped talking to people. the result was almost immediate. i regressed. i went back to some of my former thinking, struggled with believing past abusive lies and fell back into some of my addictive behaviors. no one would know because i haven't really talked about it. one of my main childhood defense mechanisms was to not talk about myself because i don't want to "put anyone out" or make anyone feel bad. what i'm dealing with is very heavy and people around me have problems of their own so i don't want to be a burden to anyone. as i said earlier, i have slightly regressed so i've fallen back into this lie. BUT the truth is, i have many people around me that love me and want to help me in this process. my hope is that if anyone who stumbles upon this entry feels similar, they would understand that there are people around them that love them and want to help them. and just to be honest, i will be talking to my support people more often because it's what i need right now and they are eager to give it!
so here i am.... looking for balance. i will continue to press on just as i would encourage anyone who comes against any kind of painful thing, wether physical, mental or emotional. our bodies and minds are capable of withstanding so much more than what we think and we must press on.
i press on because i know that after the process is complete, there will be wholeness waiting on the other side. my opinion is that with wholeness comes security, confidence, peace, joy, happiness, and a fullness of life that can never be taken away from me and i want to live in that place.
